Separation Scaries: My Favorite Strategies for Supporting Your Child with Separation Anxiety
Whether your child is adjusting to a new childcare setting or school, clings to you when it’s time to say goodnight or melts down when parents go out on a date, it makes a world of difference to have some tools in your toolkit to help your sweet kid with separations. Let’s start with the basics and then get to the strategies I utilize with my play therapy clients and my own child.
What is Separation Anxiety Disorder?
In young children below the age of three, separation struggles are often temporary and are actually developmentally typical. However, if your child is 4 years old or older and is struggling multiple times a week with separations for at least 4 weeks in a row, it might be time to seek out support for potential Separation Anxiety Disorder. Talk to your child’s teacher, school counselor, or pediatrician about your concerns, and if you still need more support, I recommend seeking out play therapy.
Symptoms of Separation Anxiety:
Distress at separations, such as crying when at school drop off or when parents leave
Not wanting to be alone in a room or in the house
Worrying about where parents are and when they will come back
School refusal or complaining about going to school
Somatic symptoms, like frequent stomach aches or headaches
If you’re not quite sure you’re ready to try out play therapy, but you desperately need ways to support your child at separations, I’ve got you!
My favorite strategies for supporting kids with separation anxiety:
Read The Invisible String by Patrice Kearst
Welcome to one of the most beloved books in the play therapy community. The Invisible String by Patrice Karst tells the story of two kids scared by a thunderstorm at night who jump out of bed and run to their mom. To comfort and calm them, their mom tells them about the invisible string of love that always connects them even when they are apart. Read this book together (see if your local library has a copy) or watch a youtube read along.
Invisible String Activities
Make a bracelet
After reading and talking about the book, you can make this concept more tangible by making bracelets together to remind your child of the invisible string that connects you. As you put the bracelet on your child’s wrist, remind them that anytime they look at the bracelet they can remember you love them and will see them again soon.
If your child worries about losing the bracelet or the bracelet does get lost, tell them that you can always make another bracelet because the invisible string never goes away!
What color is your string?
Another one of my favorite ways to make the concept of the Invisible String more tangible is to ask “What color is our invisible string today?” It can be fun for kids to choose a new color each day. Maybe it’s sparkly purple one day and Neon green the next! By asking this question, you’re reminding your child of your constant connection and love, while also providing them with something else to think about besides the worry of being apart. A positive distraction from the anxiety, if you will!
Love Mark
This activity was a lifesaver when my 2-year-old was starting at a new childcare center and struggled with separating from us. Even now, as an almost 4-year-old, we do love marks when she feels sad to say goodbye and just for a fun way to connect. The idea is really simple, but it’s very comforting to both parents and children.
Tell your child you are going to give them a love mark so they can think of you when you’re apart and remember that you will always come back for them. With a washable marker or pen, draw a heart, star, or smiley face on your child’s arm or back of their hand (somewhere visible to your child). It’s fun to collaborate by asking your child what color and shape of love mark they want. Older kids can even draw a love mark on you too!
This strategy not only helps children feel connected to their parent while they are apart, but it is comforting to parents to have a tangible way to help their child. When a kid is struggling with separations, we as parents can feel so helpless. It feels comforting to be able to give our children a concrete reminder that we love them and think about them throughout the day.
Special Handshake
I recommend this activity to families even if their child isn’t struggling with separations because it is such a great way for parents and children to connect and bond! And if your child IS struggling with separations, try doing a special handshake at each goodbye.
Invite your child to help you come up with a special handshake just for the two of you! With younger kids (below age 5), keep the handshake simple with just 3 or 4 elements. Older kids can help you create a more elaborate handshake. Practice it several times together to solidify it in your memory. Then choose a time when you’ll always do it together. Maybe it’s in the car at drop-off or right before they get on the bus. You can also do it when you and your child are reunited at the end of the day.
Goodbye Ritual
Maybe your child happily goes to school but struggles when you go out for a date night. This strategy is for you! The practice and scaffolding helps children adjust to the separation and trust that parents will come back.
Follow these steps
Create a ritual for saying goodbye and reuniting with your child before and after date nights. It could be a cheer, special handshake, song, or reading a book like The Invisible String together. This little ritual should not be more than 5 or 10 minutes long.
Practice the ritual at home on a day when you’re not going on a date night. Do the ritual in the living room and then walk out to the porch, leaving the door open so your child can see you. Come back and do your reunion ritual!
On a different day, invite grandparents or your babysitter over and practice your goodbye ritual again! This time, leave the house for 10–15 minutes and then come back. Do the reunion ritual when you return.
For the 3rd time, actually go on a date! Do your goodbye ritual before you leave. If your child will be in bed when you get home, let them know that you’ll do your reunion ritual together in the morning.
For younger kids (2- and 3-year-olds), I would instead recommend talking them through exactly what will happen. Starting in the morning or a few hours before the date night, talk to your child about:
Who is coming over to watch them
What they will do together
When you will get home (example: “We’ll be home after you’re in bed, so we’ll see in the morning. We’ll wake you up and eat breakfast together like a normal Saturday morning.”)
Bedtime T-shirt
If your child struggles with bedtime because they are sad to be separated from you, the bedtime t-shirt might just become your hero! Try offering your child a clothing item of yours (like a t-shirt) that they can snuggle with all night. Having a transitional object that smells like you can be so comforting to your child.
Remember that for young children being separated from parents can feel really scary, even if they know you’re in the other room all night. Validate your child’s feelings, while holding bedtime boundaries and affirming that you know your child can fall asleep and snuggle your t-shirt. If they’re scared to be alone, you can also spray the room with a room spray that “sprays away the scaries.” Nine times out of ten, spraying the scaries away and giving my daughter one of my t-shirts helps soothe her when she’s sad about the separation.
Looking for a St. Louis-based child and play therapist?
If your child is struggling with separation anxiety, reach out! Let’s talk about how play therapy can help calm those worries. You can schedule a free phone consultation on my website, or email me at rachel@brightdaystherapy.com
Bright Days Ahead: Counseling and Play Therapy is located in Clayton, MO. Rachel Zahniser, LPC, RPT™ specializes in anxiety and trauma therapy for kids and tweens (ages 3-12) who are big feelers and sensitive souls. I work with families throughout the St. Louis area including: University City, Ladue, Town and Country, Webster Groves, Creve Couer, Kirkwood, Richmond Heights, and Brentwood.
